We’re only human

Everyone says that life is a continuous learning process. I never quite understood the full meaning of such a phrase until recently. They also say that university happens to be one of the best places to learn. I hate to say it to all those cynics out there but it happens to be true. But you know, like me, you’ll never know the extent to which it is true until you fully experience it yourself. HONESTLY. Don’t roll your eyes at me. It’s true. I was just like you. I was tired of hearing the same old advice from the same old people. I was and still am a cynic at heart…doubting everyone and everything. 

One of the lessons I seem to have discovered is that of love. As you may or may not know, I’m also a romantic. A cynical one but still…a romantic. I used to think that love came in the form so expressed in movies with the reason being that, well, someone had to come up with that story right? Someone thought about it, wrote it and created it as if they believed it existed (possibly because they experienced or are experiencing it). So I didn’t have much reason to doubt it. At least I wasn’t alone in believing in such a beauty. However, ever since I’ve hit university grounds, my dating life has soared. I’ve also experienced the heartache that comes from a real relationship. I say REAL because, for me, the years of meeting guys online from other countries wasn’t a REAL representation of what a dating life, or LOVE, should be like.

Through meeting different kinds of guys in person, I’ve learned that the rom-com’s only represent one kind of love. It’s an ideal kind of love. But they don’t fully illustrate the length of time it takes to properly, deeply and totally immerse yourself into love! And so, with the little knowledge that I previously had on love (based on movies, books and the rocky relationship my parents still have), I decided to form an idea of what I expected love to be. When I met someone online and they ticked the boxes, I thought I’d “fallen in love”…even though it had been merely a few days/weeks. Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t believe that love has a time frame (within in reason of course) and I do believe in love at first sight. But since my real dating experience has begun, I’ve come to realize that love, for some, doesn’t always happen instantaneously. It takes time. Practice. Patience. Work. Guidance. It’s got to be nurtured. Image

All the men that I had spoken to that I didn’t give the time of day too could have been a somewhat perfect opportunity to learn this sooner. But see, we’re only human. We’re impatient. We want things and we want them NOW. 

Now, currently…I am seeing a lovely guy who has a really big heart and treats me well. I’ve been seeing him on and off for a few months and I thought I was ready to give up after one month of knowing him. But I didn’t KNOW him. I knew of him. I decided to give it time and, although he seems to be complex now, I know it’s because I don’t KNOW him well enough. So, I’m giving it more time, more patience and work. A little guidance here and there too haha. I’m learning about myself and about how relationships work- and believe me COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!! I cannot emphasize that enough! 

Also…before jumping into anything (or anyone 😛 haha), make sure that there are no voids in your life that you think/believe a relationship will fill. I know that you feel that having someone there to pick you up each time you fall and support you and love you no matter what..would help, but that help only comes when you’ve filled the void without using them. Meaning: be happy so that when a relationship comes along, you would be okay with AND without it. 

Okay?

Forever you cynical romantic, 

~Megs

 

Time Travelling back to when True Romance existed.

I think I’m in love with Love. Is that possible?

This magical thing…this feeling…this beautiful creation between people…the one thing we are all capable of and all share. 

No matter what I do, I’m always searching for it. I have gone about it in so many ways. I’ve tried waiting for my “special someone” to find me as every single one of my friends say, who are all in serious relationships might I add. I’ve tried going out all dressed up and drinking with friends, but then the majority of the guys you meet in pubs and clubs aren’t looking for the same thing you’re looking for. I’ve tried dating apps on my phone who find singles around me and guess what…they always seem to JUST WANT SEX. Now, I’ve resorted to dating sites like Oasis (because it’s free and I’m a student living on the bare minimal). And sure, I’ve met one or two guys who intrigue me but…it’s always sex…which is GREAT btw. But…It’s not like me. I’m not someone who wants to jump into the bed with a guy after one date. Yet, it happens a lot because a) I have little control (Shamefully) and b) I feel as though that’s what’s important to men nowadays. I’ve sold out. What kind of person am I if I’m willing to “sell out” to a guy and throw away everything I’ve stood for? 

I can’t forgive myself. But I’m struggling like the rest of you singletons. Dating just isn’t easy nowadays! BUT WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO DAMN HARD? Or do we make it harder than it needs to be?

You know, I often sit and wonder why it’s all changed or if my idea of love is wrong…if my expectations of love and relationships and guys are too high. But then a little voice comes into my head. Never lower your standards because everyone else can’t meet them. Does that mean I’m going to be single for the rest of my life? Is it punishment for wanting a genuinely good guy who won’t place such high importance on sex…who wants to settle down someday and take me to meet his parents…to wait til we are married to make love to have children because we love one another that much? I wish I could get answers to these questions. 

Do we really have to resort to books on How To Date in order to find Mr. Perfect? Surely, it’s not THAT pathetic. I’m not even 20 yet but I still have an idea of what I want and yet the men I meet can’t seem to figure it out. Or at least, that’s what they tell me… Is that the “new” way of turning a girl down now boys? It’s pretty lame. 

Instead of finding cures for cancer, they should find a way to create time travel so that hopeless romantics like myself can go back in time to when true romance was alive and marriage meant a lot more than a signature on a piece of paper. 

Yours sincerely,

Forever a cynical, doubtful, utterly HOPELESS romantic,

~Megs.

 

 

Moving forward

A quote I read on From Guestwriters stated that we shouldn’t expect a love so perfect when the people we love aren’t: 

“You can’t expect love to be perfect when people aren’t..”

No matter how good someone is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while, and you must forgive them for that.

The secret of overcoming hurt feelings is to expect nothing from others; thus, their words and actions will always find you inwardly at peace. You have to direct your attention outward, in giving of yourself to others, instead of dwelling self-centered on your expectations of them.

“Stop holding on to what hurts and make room for what feels good..” (Copied and pasted directly from the blog)

…..and they speak the truth. 

I guess sometimes I forget that people are only human. God made each of us as separate individualwith unique and special characteristics. What entitles me to believe and expect everyone to be like me? Nothing. No one. I have to stop expecting so much from everyone else because, at the end of the day, they will ALWAYS be themselves and nothing I do or say is going to change that simple fact.

The friend (in previous blogs I posted) and I haven’t made any improvements since my trip to the hospital (due to a fever) and our chat whilst I was lying in bed… but I have been communicating with her mother on Facebook. She basically said to me that I have to take responsibility for my own actions and once I do that, others will take responsibility for theirs. Eventually a time will come where the other will approach me and ask “What can I do to make it right?” instead of me expecting them to make things right on their own. 

I’ve learned a lot from this experience- be it a small one, it has sculpted me and taught me to be more cautious and “picky” when choosing which person I want to let into my life; not so eager to give myself away so easily- i.e. make them work for it a little. As corny as this is going to sound, I should look after my own heart because no one else will. Although the quote says to be more giving of myself to others, this experience has taught me to be a bit more selfish and concerned about my personal mental health by looking after me and standing on my two feet so that the pressure isn’t on others to “complete me” or make me happy. Sure, it’s not something I will learn over night but it will take practice. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t be changing anything about who I am because I’ve realised that I actually love the person that I am. Why shouldn’t I? I have so much to give and I shouldn’t stop that because other people happen to be different. No. But I can only learn to guard my heart. God always says it’s the most precious gift He’s given me. 

Well now that I got all the cheesy mumbo jumbo out the way, I can move forward and focus on things more important. 

~Megs

 

I should go out and start a new friendship circle. 

Seeing her move on and not spend as much time with me hurts. 

I’m not one to have a large circle of friends that all hang out together. I have individual friends. And I keep them close. So when one of them walks away…I really feel the punch. 

 

Is it too late?

Is this my “trial and error” for the relationships I’ll have in the future?

I mean, this girl I’m living with drives me insane! Every little thing she does annoys the crap out of me! She’s getting into my head. I can’t see past the despise I feel towards her. We were so close when we first met. We laughed and spent so many great times together. I loved hanging out. She felt like another best friend or a sister and now…well, we have more fights than I’ve EVER had with my two best friend’s combined. God she knows how to push my buttons! The way she controls everything- it has to be her way or the high way. I have no way of escaping it! I have signed a contract for a year and I am stuck living here. The biggest fight we had was sometime last week. I told her I won’t be going to Bali with her and I don’t think it’s a good idea we move in together once both our contracts are finished, all because of how rocky things have been for a while. She doesn’t express herself emotionally, whereas I do. A LOT! And she has NO problem saying whatever the hell she wants- even if it hurts someone’s feelings. It’s incredibly inconsiderate. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know how to move past the issues we have. We’ve spoken about things and nothing has changed. 

Before we sat down and got everything out, I felt so betrayed and I was hurting so much 😦 I needed to make her feel the way she’s made me feel…so I went onto Facebook and I posted a status knowing full well that she would be reading it. I remember saying that “sometimes you need to learn when to cut some friendships lose”…or something along those lines. Apparently, that’s really hurt her and she says it hurt even more when she knew I deliberately set out to hurt her like that. I’ve said my “I’m  sorry”s and she says she accepts them but she hasn’t moved past it and I know it wouldn’t be easy. I don’t blame her. We have so many things we need to work through but as much as I would LOVE to, I don’t know if we can. Sometimes I feel she’s doing certain  things to make me feel jealous. Things she wouldn’t do with me, she’s now doing with other girls we live with. 

:(If that’s the case, I don’t think I want to be part of these childish games anymore. 

I don’t think I can do this anymore. I feel like I’m fighting for something that isn’t worth it anymore…it hurts. I HATE losing friendships! :'(. I hate friendships that were once so beautiful..fall apart. 

I had a similar problem. My ex-best friend in Scotland walked out of my life because it was too much to handle. We had made plans to move in together too. 

Everytime I get excited about a friendship or…anything!…it just falls apart. 

Why bother? 

I don’t see why I try. This situation has brought out the worst side of me and it kills me! It makes me sad! All I want is to have it the way it was!!! 😦 But I fear she’s moved on and maybe I should too. I don’t know. If she reads this, I know she’ll think I’ve given up but I honestly don’t know anymore. I don’t know what to do or say. I’ve made the effort…as much as I feel I can. I feel desperate and I don’t want too. 

Is it meant to be this hard? 

I know it’s not meant to be smooth sails all the time but THIS hard? 

What do I do God? Anyone?

– Megan

Title-less.

Can I vent? It’s only polite to ask. I know most would stop reading and I don’t blame you because this isn’t going to sound very positive or thought provoking. However, I really need to get this out of my overworking mind. (Maybe I feel worse as I haven’t taken my anti-depressants in a few days- yes, I do take them now. Another change in my rollercoaster, wrecking ball of a life). 

I’m struggling to overcome something right now. I mean, it’s not just right now because I’ve been struggling with this for a while…but it’s bothering me right now. One little thing triggers it time and time again… and I cannot overcome how different my upbringing has been to the people I’m surrounded by. It’s often placed a barrier in between me and the next person. See, I’ve been raised to be curteous and kind, loving and caring, conscientious and open minded, warm-heart and loyal. I give myself to others- friend or romantic interest – and yet, I’m often disappointed when I don’t receive the same. Is it too much to expect? REALLY? 😦 It hurts. It hurts when I feel as though I’m constantly handing myself out like a handkerchief and I get tossed back filled with s h i t. 

I’ve been away from home for 6 years and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss it! My heart yearns to go back. I don’t belong here. I know it. Everyone else does. It’s too cut throat. I’m being eaten alive and I feel as though I have NO control over it. It’s eating me up inside. I’m not hardarse. I’m not emotionally detached. I’m not a backstabber. I would never step on my friends to get ahead. I’m not cold-hearted…and it hurts. God it hurts! And I just want to cry. It’s incredibly lonely. Searching for a friendship that I already have with someone who lives back home is exhausting. I want to give up. I want to settle for anything that comes my way but why should I? Who am I if I do that? I am not a settler. I do not just “settle”. 

I just want to go home. I want my best friend. I want everything to go back to how it was with things I knew- the people…oh the people! 

THIS isn’t home. No matter how many guys I talk to that make me smile and laugh and give me temporary butterflies is going to change the fact that…I don’t belong here. 

Mom says I should change basically. But why? She brought me up this way and I’m proud of it. Why should I change because everyone else is different… Why..because this hurts. This pain. This loneliness. But I couldn’t forgive myself if I changed. I hate closing the doors to my heart; hardening it so that others won’t hurt me. I used to be so vivacious and I know for a fact that I was far happier there than I am here because I could be me. I could be compassionate and loving and not be frowned upon or laughed at or mocked. 

I can’t help but see the irony (if that is the correct term)- I’m a Christian. For those of you who may not know, Jesus said that we would suffer whilst following Him. Is this part of my suffering or is this just the reality hitting home? The fact that I am in another country and after 3 years I can’t move on. I can’t settle. 

I’ve tried being myself. I’ve tried changing. But I don’t like the person I’ve become. Angry and bitter and cynical. I no longer see the beauty in life. That is the pit of all of my lows. 

I feel forever lost.

-Megan

DOLCE FAR NIENTE

ImageIf I could ask you to do one thing it is to watch Eat Pray Love (unless you’ve already seen it). Now, I know it may seem like a soppy rom com or cliche chick flick but just stop and listen to what the American has to say. Look beyond the complicated relations she has, the messy divorce, the lack of stability. Stop and look at how she takes a year out to find, not only herself but her happiness. Some of you may have already been lucky enough to have established it. Some may have a harder time. I can admit that I am part of that “Some”. I would LOVE to work for a year and save, save, save…just save for my year where I can travel to Italy, India and Bali to find my inner happiness the way she did. Truth is, I’m so bogged down by life’s stresses- university and money being the domain. Aren’t we all though? We feel guilty when we take a whole single day just to do NOTHING because we’re so used to always doing something. In my opinion, it’s almost just as bad as smoking. 

There is this blog I just read after searching Google for the Italian translation of a word they said: Dolce Far Niente. It means “the sweetness of doing nothing”. READ IT!: http://bemorewithless.com/how-to-cultivate-dolce-far-niente/ 

They are small small steps…merely taking the time to appreciate the smallest details in life that we often don’t notice. It’s like meditation by being aware and taking care of yourself. 

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The blog explains it all so perfectly. I say no more than this: Dolce Far Niente. REMEMBER THIS. 

That’s all for now, 

Take care, 

MegsImage

xoxo

 

IT’S BEEN TOO LONG!

What a magical, weird start to a bizarre year! 

So I haven’t posted in a few weeks…don’t hate me. Surely my blog didn’t have THAT big an influence on your life. Haha. I kid ( I think? ).

Anyway! Let me fill you in the blanks…

I’m at university now. Yes. I have joined THEM! And, I have to say, it is EVERYTHING they make it out to be- the partying, the on-campus living, the classes, the people, the clubs, the oh-so fun studying. But everyone seemed to under-exaggerate the pressure. However, if I could tell you every single detail about the past few months, BELIEVE ME I would! It’s been the craziest, wildest roller coaster ride. All I can remember are the nights out. We (as in us village people) now have a spot we go to each Wednesday because they have discounts on drinks- something like $3 for a beer, $8 for a vodka mixed drink. It’s quite sad, in the funniest way possible, because, as a student, you can afford LITERALLY the bare minimum. When you run out of food, your neighbours are your best friends. It’s as though we have developed this secret, unspoken code. But…there’s ALWAYS a but…one horrible thing about living so close together is that everyone knows everyone’s business. NO KIDDING! Nothing gets by them. Now we have just decided to just shout it across to each other from our apartments because we have realised that everyone else is bound to find out sooner or later. And the sex scandals…OH the sex scandals. It’s hilarious the stories they come up with these days. But it’s entertainment in it’s own pathetically-obviously-funny way. 

But, ahem. That is NOT why you’re at university, Megan! Dammit. They shouldn’t be getting that impression. No! It’s all about the degree, the studying, the classes….the boys, the parties…well, actually, I’ve come to realize, it’s actually about learning to find a balance. 

So that’s my wonderful message for today folks! 

Find a balance in your life if you don’t already have one. 

You need it.

Trust me.

It’s for your own sanity.

Lots of love, 

Megs, xoxo

The Fault in Our Stars

I’m reading this book and I LOVE IT!

To seek a Great Perhaps

“There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There’s .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I’m likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.”

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