Can I vent? It’s only polite to ask. I know most would stop reading and I don’t blame you because this isn’t going to sound very positive or thought provoking. However, I really need to get this out of my overworking mind. (Maybe I feel worse as I haven’t taken my anti-depressants in a few days- yes, I do take them now. Another change in my rollercoaster, wrecking ball of a life).
I’m struggling to overcome something right now. I mean, it’s not just right now because I’ve been struggling with this for a while…but it’s bothering me right now. One little thing triggers it time and time again… and I cannot overcome how different my upbringing has been to the people I’m surrounded by. It’s often placed a barrier in between me and the next person. See, I’ve been raised to be curteous and kind, loving and caring, conscientious and open minded, warm-heart and loyal. I give myself to others- friend or romantic interest – and yet, I’m often disappointed when I don’t receive the same. Is it too much to expect? REALLY? 😦 It hurts. It hurts when I feel as though I’m constantly handing myself out like a handkerchief and I get tossed back filled with s h i t.
I’ve been away from home for 6 years and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss it! My heart yearns to go back. I don’t belong here. I know it. Everyone else does. It’s too cut throat. I’m being eaten alive and I feel as though I have NO control over it. It’s eating me up inside. I’m not hardarse. I’m not emotionally detached. I’m not a backstabber. I would never step on my friends to get ahead. I’m not cold-hearted…and it hurts. God it hurts! And I just want to cry. It’s incredibly lonely. Searching for a friendship that I already have with someone who lives back home is exhausting. I want to give up. I want to settle for anything that comes my way but why should I? Who am I if I do that? I am not a settler. I do not just “settle”.
I just want to go home. I want my best friend. I want everything to go back to how it was with things I knew- the people…oh the people!
THIS isn’t home. No matter how many guys I talk to that make me smile and laugh and give me temporary butterflies is going to change the fact that…I don’t belong here.
Mom says I should change basically. But why? She brought me up this way and I’m proud of it. Why should I change because everyone else is different… Why..because this hurts. This pain. This loneliness. But I couldn’t forgive myself if I changed. I hate closing the doors to my heart; hardening it so that others won’t hurt me. I used to be so vivacious and I know for a fact that I was far happier there than I am here because I could be me. I could be compassionate and loving and not be frowned upon or laughed at or mocked.
I can’t help but see the irony (if that is the correct term)- I’m a Christian. For those of you who may not know, Jesus said that we would suffer whilst following Him. Is this part of my suffering or is this just the reality hitting home? The fact that I am in another country and after 3 years I can’t move on. I can’t settle.
I’ve tried being myself. I’ve tried changing. But I don’t like the person I’ve become. Angry and bitter and cynical. I no longer see the beauty in life. That is the pit of all of my lows.
I feel forever lost.