When it comes to communicating, I like to believe I’m quite good at it. I can talk to my friends about how I’m feeling and tell them everything I’m thinking and feeling, most of the time, quite easily. And I feel good having done so. . . Until the guilt sets in. That horrible feeling that you get when you realise you’ve just dumped all of your issues onto someone else…well it makes my stomach sink. So, I’ve been trying my best not to open up to my friends. I shouldn’t be baring my dirty laundry in public anyway. Why is it though that I can open up to my friends quite easily but my family I cannot? I struggle trying to bring it up- whatever my issue is. All I can do, VERY EASILY, is cry. I cry when I’m angry and I cry when I’m sad. I’m just a big cry baby. I do know, for a fact, that I do so because I bottle it up. I just can’t get it out. I suppose I fear the result- a fight breaking out. Fighting seems to be our thing as a family; something we are very good at doing. We are FAR from harmonious and we have to be out doing something with others to enjoy each other’s company. How sad is that?
Is this normal- to fight a lot, or is it just MY family?
Lately, my sister and I fight more often than not and she makes remarks that make me believe she would rather have me gone than have me home. My dad does something similar. My family hasn’t always been like this. External factors have definitely added to this problem. My dad isn’t always around because he has work and flies away for about 3/4 weeks. When I was younger, he’d work night shifts. It’s definitely put a wedge in our family. We aren’t that close. And so…I’ve come to the point now where I actually literally cannot wait to move out! University cannot come soon enough, and I think my family feel the same way. I try to talk to my mom about it but…nothing really changes. It’s affecting my effort when it comes to do things around the home-chores so to speak. All of this is making me feel so unwanted and unwelcome. I’ve basically shut myself off from the world. I keep to myself. I cry. It’s such a dark feeling. Don’t worry! I’d NEVER do anything “stupid”, if you know what I mean. Of course, other factors don’t help the way I’m feeling- not having a boyfriend, my friends over seas being unavailable to talk, being away from my family (also overseas)…it’s a lonely kinda feeling.
And all this time, my family see it as me being sorry for myself, moping about, sulking. If only they could climb off their high-horse and just stop to observe for a sec.
Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I feel pretty desperate to reach out to someone so here I am…blogging. My “dirty laundry” has been aired.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Until next time,